A friend asked me whether I'd ever told my friends about a song I wrote about a friend who got killed in a car accident. (See The Ballad of Jo Moore.) My reply:
Great questions about my Jo Moore song and whether I have
told my friends about it. No, I haven’t and now realise that is quite strange.
I haven’t thought about this much over the years but this is why.
In my late teens/early 20’s many people I knew played
musical instruments. Many of them went on to play music for a living and became
quite well known. The people who were in the band with Jo are in that category.
I was playing music and writing songs quietly on the side while pursuing my
studies, travelling a lot, and eventually working as a teacher in schools. Most
of the people I knew who were friends of Jo were all in the music business and
they were much more accomplished musicians than I was so I always felt shy
about promoting my own music. I developed my ‘musical world’ with an entirely
group of people that I felt more comfortable with. With a group of people who
wouldn’t compare me with my well known friends who were in bands.
It's interesting to reconsider all this now. Looking back
now I actually think I was pretty good – even back then in 1980 when I wrote
that song for Jo. Some time much later in life I started to think that I was
probably good enough to ‘make it’ in music and carve out a successful living.
But I didn’t believe it; I didn’t have the confidence or as someone once said I
didn’t have the drive or self-belief to make it as a musician. I realise now
that it was also a protective behaviour. If I didn’t try and make it with music
I wouldn’t be let down or disappointed so I was happy to tell myself I wasn’t
good enough! As I got older, got married and had children I started to think
differently. I started to believe I was good enough, but by then it was too
late to really try so there was no chance of disappointment!
So you see my relationship with music has always been a
strange one. Deep down I’ve always wanted to be a musician, but never really
believed It was possible, so I never poured my energy into it. I don’t regret
the choices I made. I’m happy now to be still playing music in various forms
and that people who hear me play seem to like it.
So the short answer to your question is back them I didn’t think the song was good enough and I was too embarrassed to play it to people I knew.
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