Showing posts with label Titus. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Titus. Show all posts

Sunday, January 22, 2023

Trapped by Kindness (1980)

 Events of my time in Weligama were impossible to sort into any chronological order as they seemed to gather their own momentum occurring spontaneously, and often with no bearing on any events before or since. Magic moments that materialised from nowhere to enchant, entertain, and warm the soul. 

I do remember that after about three days in the village I left! Not because things were not to my liking - far from it - but because I felt trapped by kindness. After being raised in a western middle class society it was very difficult to experience having several people devote a large part of their day to ensuring that you are happy, comfortable, well fed, and well entertained. In the world I had been raised in, it is customary for full grown adults to attend to some of their own survival needs, even when a guest in somebody else’s home. But in Weligama those first few days, all the basic requirements for living were provided for me: a roof, three meals a day, timely morning and afternoon coffees, cigarettes bought (and often lit), clothes washed, lamps lit, house cleaned. I could go on, but I think it's enough to show just how often in a single day our host family provided small comforts to make our life an easy joy.

This endless stream of kindness and good deeds towards me left me feeling ambivalent. At least a woman can assert her right to wash her own clothes at the well, or take part in other domestic duties without becoming too much the object of mirth and chattering but in Sri Lankan society, men simply do not indulge in traditional domestic duties. It often seemed that women exist for the men in fact. And frankly, it annoyed me not to be given any say in the daily basics that kept me alive and comfortable. Perhaps I wanted to assist in the preparation of food for example, but this wish would be considered absurd because I was a man.

Another thing that bothered me in those first few days was something that really was no one else’s problem but my own, and simply it was that I possessed no strategy for coping with such limitless kindness. Because of the aforementioned roles of men and women, neither was I able to show my gratitude in the way I would ordinarily do at home (washing the dishes maybe, or doing the shopping). Where the problem lay was that I felt that I had to repay the kindness being offered me, and not being able to I felt something of a freeloader. I later learned that in true keeping with Buddhist tradition, these people gave for giving's sake only; there was certainly no expectation of return, and the fact that I felt I had to return favours was a mistake on my part, and purely my own personal problem.

I did leave the village for a short time of something less than a week, and from the moment I departed I wondered why. Everything was provided for me there. Why am I going? What am I thinking? When I returned Titus just stood, grinned with twinkling, knowing eyes and said: “ You come back?”  And this time I knew I'd be in no hurry to leave. Besides, all I had to do was sing!



Friday, November 26, 2021

Weligama - one of the greatest experiences of my life

I recently told a friend in Weligama, Sri Lanka, that my first visit there in 1981 was one of the greatest experiences of my life. He wrote back and asked me to explain why it was such a wonderful experience. These lyrics of a song I wrote at the time went some way to answering this question. Below are some further thoughts - not in any particular order.

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I was absolutely amazed that almost complete strangers would take me in as their friend and share their lives with me.

It was my first experience of living in a place where people lived ‘hand to mouth’. Titus, Walter and others went fishing every morning, got money for the fish at the fish market, and took it home to their wives who went shopping, and made food for the family for the next 24 hours. And then the cycle began again the next day. It taught me a great deal about life, and how simple it can be. And I saw that poor people can live a happy life if they enough food and a place for sleep and shelter.

I became a much more confident swimmer often swimming out to Louise’s island:


I realised that my skills as a musician were really valued. I did so much singing in Weligama!


People would often dance when I played guitar and sang. I felt like a troubadour!


It was my first experience living in a non-Christian culture and I learnt a lot about Buddhism. Titus and I would sometimes talk about the difference between Christianity and Buddhism.

Playing karam on the beach at night with Titus while drinking arak. Magic!

The huge surprise when we came back to Weligama one day and Titus had built us a cadjan house!


Amazing parties out on Louse’s island:


Playing with the children each day in the sea: 


I learnt that I was extraordinarily privileged. As Titus told me, “You can come here anytime you want, but I will never see your country.” Though fishing families in Weligama had enough food and a place to sleep and shelter they had no real freedom to move out of that world. Having spare money – money left over after you have paid for your house and food – is a huge luxury.

Louise and I had a magical visit to ‘the Prince’s island’  - Taprobane. There really was a prince living there and he happily invited us in and treated us to tea and cake! 

Taprobane: the Prince's Island

I learned that people in places like Weligama people do not like to be alone. People would often watch me read, or write in my journal!

I learned that when you live right by the sea the world is never silent. Every night I would fall asleep to the sounds of the waves breaking on the shore

I learned that poor people can be incredibly generous.

In memory of our dear friend Titus. 

Titus was far from perfect but he taught me much about life, I only wish he could have lived long enough for me to tell him. And all of this happened because one day he just stopped a stranger on the streets of Weligama and started talking with them. Rest in peace dear friend. 

Titus and Lilian in 'our' new house

 


 

 


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